The Dr. is in!

My friends & I joke about "going to my happy place" whenever we get anxious or sad or overwhelmed. How many of us say that but don't do it?


As you now know, I am riddled with issues. Yes, it is official. I have a paper stating such. And I also have a therapist. (Jealous? You should be!) My issues have calmed down tremendously since I got older. I no longer vomit in public when I'm nervous or have anxiety attacks....much (My first attack was in 4th grade...in front of my class..as my teacher screamed "I can't teach you, you are so damn stupid....kid you not!)


I am learning how to rethink. I'm trying to make new pathways in my brain so I can have more options then just careening down the tortured, twisted path I normally tread. But to do that...I must be submersed in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ( a psycho therapeutic approach that aims to solved problems concerning dysfunctional emotions, behaviors & cognitions through a goal oriented systematic procedure......get it? )


One thing my fairy dust sprinkling therapist (yes...she does have a waned!) has taught me is how to ease anxiety by going to my happy place. It's very simple. At first it feels stupid....really stupid. But the more you practice...the more it works. So lets get going to your happy place!



Think about something calm that you enjoy doing. For me, it's wandering in nature. For you it might be sewing, swimming, singing, jogging, playing an instrument, sumo wrestling.

What do you see around you?

What do you smell?

What do you taste?

What do you hear?

What do you feel?

You have just invoked all 5 senses. Your brain is trying to make new pathways in healthy thinking. After you have imagined all of this, pick a word. This word needs to be something that is not used often. If it's a common word, 1 of 2 things will happen. The word will lose all meaning or you will suddenly find yourself in a meditative, drooling, relaxed state when someone says the word to you. "Hey Jane! Cute puppy you got there." relaxed word.... puppy...suddenly calm & warm as dog drags you chasing after a squirrel....what would your neighbors think?!

Now you go through your meditations say the word over & over again. (yeah, yeah...it sounds stupid, just keep at it) Over time you have trained your mind to relax. In times that you can't sit, relax & daydream about your happy place...all you have to do is say the word. And like Pavlov dog, your brain will associate warms fuzzies with that word.

Now, be gone, I'm off to my happy place!

You cut me. You cut me deep

Winter has arrived. Christmas looms around the corner. Snow is itching to fall. I do my best to show my kids I enjoy this time of year...which is a big fat lie. But there is one thing I enjoy....cooking & baking. And even a cold scrooge as me, can't deny the happiness that baking cookies bring this time of year. How many people say "Aww geezzz, it was a nightmare...mother baking cookies into the night. The smell of chocolate wafting through the air. The anticipation of waiting to "test" the chewy warm treats....aggggg what a horrible memory! I could just puke!!!" I mean really? Can you go wrong with the memory of mother baking tasty treats? Really? Realllyyyy? And if for some reason that is a bad memory...well then....there are some other issues involved here. Anyway, on to the subject at hand...cookies.







I began a dinner conversation with a question (doing my best to embrace the season & make cookie memories for my kids) "Darling children, what is your favorite cookie I can make you this time of year? Wouldn't it be Jim Dandy if we got together & made your most loved cookie?"





Children. "Oh yes mother dear that would be neat-o!"





As the children thought long & hard about their most beloved cookie, I smiled at myself. Happy that I could give them a wonderful cookie memory.





My 10 year old son said "OOhhh, I know! My favorite are those cookies w/ all the colors...ummm, you know with the shapes.





"Spritzes that my mother use to make? (I was excited! He loved MY mommies cookies that I try to recreate each year)





"No, not those...ummm, they are round."





Macaroons?


Good O' chocolate chip?


Ginger snaps?


Snicker doodles?


Peanut butter?


Minty delights?





"No....Ya know the one's that come in the package w/ the pictures inside of them"





You mean these.............

Ya....let THAT sink in.

The children erupt with "oh yes! I love those! So much fun!"

And I shot daggers out of my eyes as a piece of me died.

Let me explain myself. First, I have issues. Second, I grew up w/ a mother that baked from scratch. I never had canned veggies (I love canned greened beans..because my mother poo-pooed them!) My mother never lowered herself to make boxed Mac & Cheese (which I couldn't get enough of when my kids were little...because my mother poo-pooed mac & crap) My mother was a cooking Goddess & I have wonderful memories of her cooking. (there was a time she lite her eyebrows on fire cooking her famous spaghetti sauce....but that's a story for another day)

So for me.....cooking is my thang. One thing I think I do well is bake. I scream at my kids. I swear like a sailor. I lock myself in my room & throw temper tantrums. I fart & dart. I am self deprecating...But by golly I can cook dang nabIT!

So here I was, being out shined by a package of crappy, tasteless, pre made cookies (cookies I made ONCE YEARS ago because my M-I-L left them...I felt too guilty to throw them away. And yes I cried when I baked them.)

So what did I do? I bought them the cookies. I cringed & cried on the inside. Then I let my older son cook those cookies all by himself when my husband & I went on a date.

When all was said & done I heard my mom say to me. "It's not about what you make, It's about the memories of the joy you had baking & caring for your family. It's about letting your kids have a say in what they like & not shaming them. It's about a boy taking his first steps into the world of warm ovens, happy tummies & the feeling of accomplishment"

"But mom...those cookies are of the devil! They are tasteless & gross!"

"I know Sweetie. Just do your best to grin & bare it. Grin & bare it."

So I took my moms advice. The cookies were eaten while I was away (I didn't have to witness the monstrosity of it all) My son enjoyed baking them. Clean up was a cinch. & the best part...

My son said..."yeah, they don't taste that great like I remembered them. They were pretty tasteless. My favorite cookies is the minty delights."

My spirit & my ghost of a mother high fived.. Our job here was done.