The Disturbing death - Part 4

My ears are buzzing. I hate when my ears buzz. That usually means I'm having a panic attack. I do my best to step out of the elevator into my new truth. My foot hits the tile and for some reason it feels like Jello.







Oh crap...I swear if I pass out 0n this tile floor in front of my dead mothers hospital room I will punch someone in the face!







I breath and recover what little stability I have left. The buzzing in my ears stop & now my head is filled with weird moan man cries coming from my father behind me. I'm too numb to turn to him & pretend I care. We both stand there dumbstruck. Slow motion in front of me 3 nurses leave my mothers room....weeping. A 4th. nurse pushes the crash cart out of Moms room. All 4 nurses look up to see us....then they promptly drop their heads & scurry by us.







Moms Dr. sees us from the the nurses station that he is sitting at. He jumps to his feet & runs to us. Runs. I step out of his way as he flings himself at my father. Both men begin to cry & hug & cry & hug.







All I want to do is take a nap...cuz this day sucks.







"I'm sorry, we did everything we could. Do you want to see her?" Dr Shapiro asks dad & I. Of course my dad says yes & starts to take my hand.







"No." is the only word that come out of my mouth. Dad tries to pull me along but I stand firm. "No way in hell am I going in that room." My Dad looks hurt. He doesn't want to leave me alone out here in the hall.







"Mom doesn't want me to see her that way."







Finally understanding he drops my hand and walks to my dead mothers room with Dr. S & a nurse holding him upright.







I am alone in the hall. I can see the nurses trying to look busy with tears in their eyes. Down the hall 2 cancer patients peek their heads out their doors to catch a glimpse of the train wreck. For a moment I hate them...intruding on my pain. But then I notice the nurse that makes her way over to them & hugs them both. The patients are crying. Are they crying because they are staring at their future?







Out of one of the rooms pops a women. "Oh dear Lord no." Is all I can think. The women moves closer. The buzzing returns. Run, my head screams, RUN! My brain has already high tailed it out of the hallway & down into the staircase. My brain didn't have the common decency to take my body with it. Closer & closer. The women descends. The ears.... buzzing. I can't handle this. Of all the people who want to comfort me...why did it have to be her?!







She is dressed all in black. Her tiny feet glide over the shiny tile. My dread turns to calm as I realize...she is laughing. The kind of laugh a women does as she sees an old friend. In a blink the tiny women is hugging me. "You must be Jennyyyyyy! I'm so happy to met youuuuuu! You are so cute! Gail said you were so cuteee. Look at you! Gail talked about you all the time!"







Half of my brain loved this old women instantly...praise the Lord she is the only one not weeping & being all depressing like. The other half of me wants to run screaming...because I can't handle tiny Catholic nuns hugging me. Nuns scare me. Nuns are dower & cold...well they are in movies. But here under my chin is Sister Iatearainbowforbreakfast. She squeezes me and pats me & hugs me & holds my hand. She says pretty things like "Oh my...your mother was such a naughty girl! She would sneak into patient rooms & tell them jokes. She had naughty jokes. Oh I loved her. Everyone loved her. She was so funnyyyyy!"

The little nun continues to coo over me while my father & I are brought back to a little office. There I sit with my dad, Mom's Dr. & Little Nun. I am in the room but all I see is Little Nun. I hear her chat to me softly about Mom's death. She is interpreting the big words the Dr. is saying to my Dad into little, easy words I can understand.

Mom's heart stopped. And that's what killed her. It just plume tuckered out.

Dr. & my Dad started to discuss autopsy & looking into why her heart stopped. Finding out what truly killed her that sunny July day.

My Little Nun echoed the exact words I was thinking. Quietly she whispered to me. "Oh for heavens sake. The cancer ran it's course. Hearts stop. Death comes to all of us. Goodness gracious...this isn't a crime scene. Gail died of cancer. Leave the poor girl alone. No sense in opening her up."

Her spunk that day made me what to become a nun. She, holding my hand, leaning close to my ear. Tiny little women getting all worked up over an autopsy. Soon I giggle.

Then I snort.

She snorts.

Full, gut busting laughs tumble out of us.

"Let's get out of here & let the men talk." She says through clenched teeth trying not to laugh.

Up on my feet she pulls me towards the door of the office. Soon I am free. Little Nun & I stand at the nurses desk with her arm around my waist. Nurses causally gather around us. Little Nun proudly tells them who I am.

"This is Jenny. Gail's daughter."

Tears tumble out. Hugs are given. Soon the sound of laughter wafts down the hall of the cancer wing. The stories begin.

"That Gail....always giving us trouble! She was the big joker of the floor. She was so naughty & so lovely. Did I ever tell you about the time she played a joke on nurse Jackson? Well......"

The disturbing Goodbye- Part 3

My mom had been in & out of hospitals for 5 years. Mainly for infection or pneumonia. Twice the hospital told us she would be dead within 12 hours. That was a surreal situation when I had to dress from head to toe in sterile dressings just to be by mom's side. Then trying to figure out how to say goodbye to her...because you know...she was going to croak some time in the night. Very strange, very stressful. But she always deified her Dr.s orders to die...which I appreciated.

That warm July night was no different then the other casual visits we had with her. Although this time the cancer had seeped into her bone. Another infection, another weekend in the hospital. (my mom timed her hospital stays very well. She would push herself through the week, then go in on the weekend. She didn't want to miss work....hows that for commitment?!)

I remember watching Mom eat her dinner on a tray. She always gave me her jello or pudding....which made me feel guilty. "Ma...you're dying of cancer...eat the damn pudding" She knew how much I liked it...even though I tried desperately to convince her I didn't. Staring at your mothers pudding, salivating doesn't help the lie that you hate pudding.

After her dinner we settled in to watch some movie with Charles Bronson...who my Mom adored. I never got the attraction....the dude had a mustache. But it made us feel better when mom was up & able to drool over Mr. Bronson & his very violent films. I remember sitting on the left side of her bed. My hair was snarled from driving with the windows open. I was self conscious but too embarrassed to ask my mom for a hair brush. My dad was just as disturbed at the rat nest on my head as I was. Mom just beamed & told him "aww let her have her hair the way she wants it. All the kids have the messy look." I looked at her like she was crazy. Again, did she not know me?! I was grateful for her beaming at me, as she tried to rearrange the mop behind my ears. I knew the foof annoyed her, but thought it was sweet that she was allowing me to "grow up".........then I was disturbed. Wait.....mom is not annoyed by my friz factory? That's odd.

8pm. rolled around & it was time to go. We had spent the last half an hour laughing hysterically at my dad's impression of his rival...Mr. Bronson. We got up to leave with lungs that hurt from laughing & gave mom a big hug. Hug, Hug, pat, pat.

"Love you mom"

"Love you too"

"Goodnight Gail, Good night Mom."

"Goodbye"





Goodbye






Goodbye....my mother never uttered those words. It was always Goodnight...never Goodbye. She said it right as my Dad & I walked through her door & turned right towards the elevator. The moment she said it Dad & I paused...then resumed walking. Maybe I was the only one who thought her Goodbye was weird. We stepped into the elevator....and as the door closed my Dad looks at me. "She said Goodbye."

"Yeah...should we go back?"

"I'm sure it was nothing. She'll be fine......."

The warm feeling in my lungs from all the laughing dispersed. I was left feeling hollow & fidgety.

The morning was bright & warm. Dad was off to work & I was home alone. 9:30am the phone rings.......& I know. The women on the other end of the line is calm but firm. "You & your father need to get to the hospital right now."

"What's wrong w/ mom?"

"You need to come now"

"What's WRONG with MOM?!" Now I'm mad for being treated like a child.

"I'm sorry I can't tell you over the phone, you just need to come."

"That's crap & you know it. My Dad is working I may not be able to reach him for another 8 hours & you won't tell me she's dead?"

"You need to come now."

By some miracle I was able to reach my dad on his cell (you know the kind...big, bulky & connected w/ a curly wire to the battery, receiver holder thingy. The "cell phone" stayed in my Dad's truck cuz you know....it was a MONSTER.)

I blink & my Dad is home. Speeding to get to the hospital my mind is on 1 thing....I will miss the Wisconsin Dells camping trip with my girlfriends. Crap...now I need to tell then my moms dead...that sucks.

I blink again Dad & I are standing in the elevator....how did I get here?

The door slides open.

The next week will happen in slow motion. From this new beginning I see every face, every event clearly. I want it to blink by, but I am tortured by the slow motion show in front of my eyes.