Many days I walk , teetering on a thin rail hovering over vast dark water. One foot in front of the other, I am aware of the blackness that churns beneath me. Often times I feel her blackness caress my foot. When she slowly rises to meet me, I shake her off. But there are times, she snakes herself slowing around... up my body. The blackness is smooth and warm. An old friend begging me to let her in. There are days I refuse her, but I blink & she has silently slithered into my veins without invitation. She settles in my belly, warm, comfortable, destructive. She blinds me & holds me captive. She confuses me with her familiar warmth and her screaming cold. How can 2 polar opposites exist in one body? How can this pain be so heartbreaking beautiful?
There are days she sneaks silently up behind me. I can't feel her lurk. Wordlessly she descends upon me. Wrapping her steel arms around my waist. Embedding her nails into my skin. Tangling her fingers into my hair. One moment I am happy & chatting with friends, then next moment she has me in a death grip flinging me backwards. Opening up the ground & encasing me in thick mud. I hate when she does that. You brat, here I was minding my own business & you yank me out of the scene. That's not fair! But she just hold me tighter. Squeezing the air out of my lungs & soon I forget we are fighting.
The days she eases into me are the days I can fight her. Resist her pull. I shake my head free of her lies. I breath in truth. I fight an internal struggle. Some days I emerge bloody & triumphant. Some days...I lose. I hold up my hands & surrender. I sink down with her. I allow her to hold me down under the black water. I can see the life swirl around me. Can anyone see me down here?
Have you ever made friends with your enemies? Have you ever been so terrified of them you develop the utmost respect for them? Have you ever bowed to their power? If you can't fight them, join them? There are days...I join my enemy. I allow her to weave her fingers in between mine. Her darkness shrouds me. We go down together. I am miserable and mindless. My own words eat into my head. Devour my spirit. Like any bad drug I want it to relieve it's hold on me, yet it's all I know. Some days, I'm afraid for it to leave me. Afraid she will leave me, that's how wickedly clever she is. She kills me & I don't want her to leave. How's that for a sick relationship?
No prayer, no Dr., no friend, no lover, no God can pull her from me. I have trying all these "solutions." I have screamed, I have kicked, I have raged, I have prayed on bloody knees & with a destroyed heart....and nothing. Nothing will take her from me. Try as I might, I can not rid her.
So now, she walks with me. She is all around. Under my feet, in the corner of my brain, on my breath. She is me & I am her. The fear I have of her... still lingers. She is deadly. She can destroy. She can not be trusted. But then again....I can not be trusted. I watch her out of the corner of my eye. I hold her close. I weave my fingers between hers....& I hold my enemy tight. When she takes me under that warm black water.... I wait her out. The moment she loses her grip, I push myself up for a gulp of air. I find the hand of that friend, that lover, that God & I allow them to pull me completely from the watery grave.
There are days I fight myself & I win. But there are days....there...are..... days.
