Age isn't a number

It's an attitude. yadda,yadda, yaddaaaaaaa

I'm pretty dang old for being so young. 37 to be exact. Yeah, that's right...I said 37. Ain't no shame in a lady revealing her age! (cue mother choking on dirt as she rolls in her grave!) I grew up around old people. My parents were considered "very old" when they had me. Of course that was in the 70's & any women over 35 having babies were considered geratric...no...really.







And back in the day a lady NEVER revealed her true age. For SHAME! Oh no...a true lady would do the honorable thing and LIE. Lie about her age. Since I was surrounded by "old" people I saw a lot of this. I heard my mom lie many times. I learned early on not to correct her about her age in front of people......I never knew a stare could burn your skin!







Random old person: "Why Gail, you are too funny! Your skin looks great! How old are you now?"



Mom: "Oh you are so sweet, why I just turned 37." says the 45 year old



Little Jenny: "Mom! You're not 37 you're fortyyyyyyyy....."



Mom: cue death stare



Little Jenny "AAhhhhhhhh, my skin! It's on fireeeeee"







I always got a kick out of these obviously OLD women lying about their age. Even as a kid I could tell they were lying! After attending one swinging old folks party, I commented to my mom how horrible Billy Jean looked for being 35. My mom said Billy was really 54.







It was then I swore to myself that I would end this archaic law of age lying! For Billy Jean looked like a train wreak as a 35 year old women but she looked great for 54. I felt embarrassed for her. Did she really think telling people she was 35 would make them magically see her as 35? No, of course not! It made people walk away saying "wow! She looks like sh%$! for her age!"





But here is my dilemma.....I'm 37...and only getting older.
I have bad circulation (I'm a slow bleeder...which pisses off tecs trying to take my blood...I hate pissing off people who stick needles in my arm) so I am always cold.
I'm so cold, I wear thermal undies.
My back is trashed.
My bladder threatens to detach itself from me & bounce down the highway,
I have to cross my legs every time I laugh, sneeze, cough or run...in fear the bladder jiggles it's self free....I really don't need that thing skittering across the floor. "Hey, did someone lose a bladder? I have a bladder in aisle 5, lost bladder is aisle 5!"
My eyesight is shot to hades,
Things pop & creek when I move.
I fart at random times...which always catches me off guard.
...did I mention I'm only 37? Great Scott! How will I functions at 65?





Even though my body ages...I still feel like I am 15. Gawky & weird...out of place. I randomly say really stupid & disturbing things. I sometimes I snort when I laugh. I like stupid humor (The World Vs. Scott Pilgrim is a must see! Theatrical genius!) I jump up & down when I'm excited...well more like jiggle up & down...I don't want to give bladder an excuse for bailing early.





In short...I am a immature 37 year old women.

Most of the time I embrace it. I try to think of myself as a slightly less hairy Robin Williams. Why Robin you ask? Well lets just say one night long ago, at a hot party at my friends house. I...a 17 year old weirdo did NOT play spin the bottle...I turned on HBO & watched Robin....all by myself. And I had a very good time by myself. So much fun that my cries were heard down stairs by the party people that they rushed upstairs to rescue me from the bear trap I obviously got my foot clamped into. There they found me on all fours , tears streaming out of my eyes, trying desperately to breath....yes, he was THAT funny! Very bad & very funny. So I admire the heck out of him....I like...totally understand Robin Williams....well I don't understand the binge drinking faze he had....or the coke fueled rages...or the melt downs....or the mental problems....oh heck, the man made me laugh, that's all that counts!


Hopefully.... I can fully embrace my lame, immature self, because pretty soon I'll truly be old. And let's face it...which is cooler? To have Grandma scour at her grandchildren & say things like "Damn kids these days! Be useful & get Grandma her scriptures & Metamucil float."





or





"Hey kids, Wanna have a farting contest?"





I think I'm going to have to go with the farting Grandma.





Which reminds me....I got to have a Fiber One bar cuz you can't have a healthy enough colon!