Why I decided to become found

I was a good egg growing up.  I never got in trouble at school.  Well...ok...I did get detention ONCE in 6th grade for not turning in...get this....a paper for gym class.  I had a good excuse...I was in the process of packing my house & moving to a new town.  So one day, my last week of going to that little country school...I sat in detention.  Turned into more of a going away party for me.  My gym teachers thought it was hilarious.

Me....as the good egg.  And to the chagrin of my friends...very proper.

Smoking...was gross.  Watching...more like... smelling my parents smoke was enough to make me gag at the sight of ciggies.
Drinking....as a kid I went to lot of parties....I stopped drinking at age 6.  So I guess I did drink...yeah...another story for another time.  People who drank acted weird.  Besides...I knew it was bad for me...because in 5th grade I learned all about the dangers of drinking.  (This killed my Dad!  He couldn't have his customary after work drink w/o me being in his face giving all the facts of the hazards of drinking.)
Sex....I have no idea where I got the notion sex was special & reserved for married couples.  My parents never taught me.  School never taught me.  Church never taught me.....because I went to church only on the major holidays.  I just knew from a very early age that sex was special...weird...I know.

Maybe it was because my parents were older.
Maybe is was because I was raised in a barn
or because I saw Frank Sinatra in concert
or because I took ballet for 6 years.

I don't know why I never rebelled.
I guess I was born this way baby.

My rebellion came in the form of joining a religion.

I know...RIGHT?!  Who's does that?

This nutter....that's who!

Luckily I didn't have to leave a religion to join one.  But still my Dad was mighty pissed.   I don't blame him.  My religion can be perceived as wacky sometimes....well lets face it...all religions are wack!

I joined the church because as a 19 year old watching all my friends "grow up" & leave me behind...I was lost.

I joined because I loved the clean life style that was stressed.

I joined because I liked being in a community of people that did good things, & thought happy thoughts & helped people.

I joined because the guys...were really, really hot!

Needless to say... I joined for all the wrong reasons.  Come on people...I was freak'n 19!  I was barely out of diapers!

I studied the religion for about 9 months.  I went through 3 sets of missionaries.  I was stubborn.  I refused to join until I knew everything about it.

But soon...I just wanted to be apart of something good. I wanted to be ...a.....part.  A part of a family.  A part of a great work.  A part of a church community.

One day I sought out  my Bishop after church. (The Bishop is considered the "Daddy" of the group in that area.  That's the best way I can put it)  Bishop was wicked smart.  He never rolled his eyes at me all the times I dropped by his house to talk to him & his wife....which I did a lot.  Because I was kind of a stalker...& because I was a curious savage that couldn't get enough information crammed into my minuscule brain.  Well one day I asked him if it was bad to join a church just because I wanted to?  Just because it felt good at the moment?

 Could I join if I didn't have my own blazing testimony of the gospel.

His answer was  "You can borrow my testimony for a bit if you like.  But you must one day, find one for your self.  And that's not something I can give you.  Every single day you must work on finding your testimony.  And if you do find that you KNOW it's true...you STILL have to work to keep that testimony alive & healthy.  For you...gaining a testimony may take years.  It's not something that is just handed to a person.  That is very rare.  How real life works is, that after all the trials, tears, heartaches & joys...after all is said & done, then you see God's hand.  You will then know it's true.  But until then it can be a struggle.  And for you....it will be a long road....but it will be worth it."

I just sat there.  Trying desperately trying to soak up all his words.  Was I ready to be baptized into a religion that is all actuality, I knew nothing about.  I mean.....shouldn't I have gone to seminary or college to study up on this stuff?  Did I really have the ability to make such a huge decision...the biggest decision that I have ever had to make in my life?

The words "Faith is a hope in things not seen that are real." floated through my head.  I wanted Faith & Hope & hot guys in suits & community & friends & clean living & tithing & cheese casseroles.

I wanted these things.  I wanted things I didn't understand.  I wanted to take a leap of faith.

So I asked my Bishop...."I know I have no idea what I am doing.  I have been studying for 9 months & I feel I will never be ready.  All I know is I feel good & happy when I come here.  I feel safe here.....Can I be baptised even if I don't know for sure if this is the true & only church?"

My dear Bishop said "If you want, I will baptise you.  But do know...this journey will be hard...but it will be worth it.  If you have faith & feel you can work hard, then yes...you can get baptised.  You have to work every single day to be close to God.  If you agree...then it would be my honor to baptise you."

Little 19 year old girl who thought she knew everything...JUMPED at the chance.  I told him...I get baptised...today.  He was very cute.  Clapped his hands together & said "Tonight then...in 3 hours.  This is COOL!  This will be the first time I put a baptizum together is 3 hours!  Usually we have days to plan!  This is FUN!" 

So three hours later on a hot August night...I was baptised by my friend Lee Donaldson.

Here I go....feet first into the unknown.

Let me just say....I don't miss that stupid, naive as hell little girl....she is long gone!  For reality bit me in the butt the moment my hair dried!

Paranoid Ramblings...don't mind me

Well...I've gone & done it.  My family has jumped on the Dave Ramsey love fest.  We are working on the Total $ Makeover.  Woot.

So excited.

Can't wait...........to FAIL!

We have pinged ponged back & forth on debt reduction crap for most of our married life.  For the most part we have done well.  We have done well because my husband knows how to cook the books...wait...that didn't come out right.  We have done well because I take after my mother.  My father use to say "She could squeeze the poop out of a Buffalo coin."

I can squeeze the poopie out of a Buffalo coin....just like my mother before me!

I also am very paranoid about my financial security.

Paranoia has a place.  A nice place sitting on the fluffy chair in my mind.  Let's face it.....my husband owns & keeps me.  I...rely on his income.  I always have relied on others for survival.  First my parents.  Then my father.  And now...my poor husband.  Not only does he have the responsibility to keep me fed & clothed...but he has to keep 4 kids alive!  And a dog!

Some days he rocks in a corner.

and I point & laugh...SUCKER!

Then I take his place in the corner & rock.  Because relying on others...scares the poopie out of me.

Since I need a man to support me...I do my best to support him back.  Like not spending all his money on German chocolate, making him tasty meals, popping out 4 of his kiddos & well....lots of other thing that are not legal to discus.

Heck...I even went out & got myself a job!  A real job where I clock in & wear a uniform & attend meetings!  My tiny pay check is handed over to pay off something or another. 

That silly little pay check helps me feel....not so helpless.

Dang...I hate that feeling of being helpless. I think many women feel that way.  Women "trapped" in their home raising their children...watching their husbands work at a job he hates, day in & day out....giving up his dream (being a toy tester...yeah......dreams...successfully slaughtered!) all because he adores & loves his family more then that dream....of...testing..... toys.

Then I think of all those other women, who just like me feel helpless.

Women who's husbands...just walk away.
Women who's husbands care more about their dreams then the love of their family & refuse to provide
Women's who's husbands slouch over...dead.
Women's who's husbands bodies get ravaged by disease or accident.
Women who never had the pleasure of their man loving them enough to marry them.
Women's who's husband struggle w/ addiction.
Women's who husbands torture & beat them.

As a woman......I feel...powerless sometimes.  As an UNeducated woman I feel helpless.
What if my husband dies, leaves me, hates me, gets sick, get laid off, gets fired, gets jailed, gets drunk...on & on.

What if?

Damn you paranoia!

Oh well...I guess I will use my paranoia to get crack'n on Dave's debt beater-upper.....since I have nothing better to do then to rock in the

corner.

with my husband.











Being a toy tester would have been fun.