The Wall

I remember seeing "The Wall" out in the distance around the time I had gotten married.  There it was....a tall, brink a$$ wall far out there.  Leering at me with it's rust colored, dusty brick eyes.  "Awww yeah girl...one day.....your face is going to splatter against my awesome brink chest.  You can run girl....but ya can't hide!

Oh trust me...you can't hide from a massive brink wall my friend.  It will patiently stalk you, lumber up to you, back you into a corner & squish the poop out of you.

I was young, stupid & sometimes very cocky in my spiritual thinking.  Listen....you can't become weak if you do the right things.  If you read your Scriptures, pray daily, give tithing, go to church...basically if you lay down your life for the gospel...you'll be fine.  I mean....lets face it...those who can't take their trials or lose their testimony, are just aren't doing things right.  They obviously let Satan creep in to their brains.  They let Satan work himself into their thought & hearts.  But that wouldn't happen if they stayed strong.  People can overcome anything if they just work hard!

Oh yes....I...did.



Because that's what I was taught.  Trials will come.  Life ge4s hard.  But.......say this Hallmark card greeting with me.......

"God doesn't hand you anything you can't handle"


Come on...we've all felt that quote

(By the way...not in the bible.  Closest thing would be 1 Corinthians 10:13.  Or closer yet.....

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

Mother Teresa

Even Mother Teresa felt overwhelmed....but don't compare yourself to Mother Teresa....cuz....she's freak'n Mother Teresa.... you are not!)

We've all heard some form of it spewed in church.  We've all fallen pray to that nasty little quote.  We've all felt small & weak because we couldn't get past the hurt of something terrible that has happened to us.

Sure...my Dad would seethe for years about my attendance in the church...But God will provide. wall

Sure....people really did/say nasty things to me in church.....But God will easy my pain. WALL

Sure....my husband & I had no $....but God will help us. wall

Sure.....I had my first baby & fell into the darkest depression of my life...But God will...wait....God?  Ummm God?  Hey, I uh....did everything you asked me too....could I get some help here? WALL

                                         God?

Sure...I dreamt of suicide nightly.....But God...will...maybe

 WALL

Every step of my life the wall follows.  Questions about early history of the church, current history, weird practices, theological questions...constant questions racking my brain.

Why did I join?

Why am I here?

Where is this testimony I have been working on for years?

Where is God?

Did Jesus really live?

wall
Wall
Wall
WALL
WALL

Everyone I asked these questions to always put me down

 (Of course it was never their intentions to put me down.  But would anyone say this crap to a women who spent years trying to get pregnant?!  Oh...well, I know when I have sex every other night I get pregnant.  I know when I get enough sleep I get pregnant.  I know when I stand on  my head after sex I get pregnant. Maybe you are not doing it right)

by saying "Well of course He lives! He listens! This is true! That is true!  I KNOW it's true because I pray!  Read! Go to church! Sing lame Primary songs to keep the Debil away!

Well La-DEE-DA!  Good for you honey!  But that still doesn't help me.  I still don't KNOW anything.

"Well did you pray?"

What?  Did ...you..just

"Well, you need to pray honestly.  Are you paying tithing.?

What the heck is your problem?!

"Are you reading the scriptures.  Answers will come if you read...how about attending the Temple, meeting, doing you callings, taking sacrament, doing your visiting teaching, bearing your testimony, volunteering, listening to wholesome music, confessing your sins, going to church classes, reading the conference talk, doing..."

STOP!  Shut....the....flip'N..heck......up!

"Well, with that attitude Missy...it's no wonder the Spirit has left you!  You'll never get your own testimony with an attitude like that."

AAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Headdesk! Headdesk! Headdesk!

That has been my whole 20 years in the church.

20 years & no....I KNOW this church is true.  I KNOW Jesus lives.  I know God is God.

nothing.

Nada

Zip

Fail

Flunk

Hang my head in corner.

My best....was not good enough.

                                WALL

3 summers ago....done. Over. Out

I left.  Walked into the Bishops office.  Handed him my special "I'm a good member" temple card & said....I give up.

Then I sat down across from him & said

"Bishop.  Meet....my Wall."