Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The mantras

I've seen a few dead bodies in my time.

Family friends, a babysitter, a mother, close friends, a brother, acquaintances.  All waxy, all pale, all gone.

There are times I say "For this reason, I do not become attach.  Everyone leaves."

I have buried so many pets, broken so many special trinkets, lost meaningful things.  I keep telling myself, don't...get..attached.

I have close friends that sometime...I want to draw away from

Because everyone leaves.

I just watched a friend slowly die.  Leaving behind a life well lived.  The routine of death doesn't bother me.  I suppose I'm acquired to it.  I finally let myself cry of his untimely passing while driving to Walmart....realizing I hate Walmart and then pretending to cry over my hatred of Walmart.  But really, I cried over his death.

My beautiful friend became terribly sick once again & I watch as the sword of Damocles swings over her head. Her life marred by unrelenting hospitalizations, and yet...a life filled with happiness, creativity and joy.

I have a friend who put me
into a tail spin over their troubled soul.  Decided I was done and it was better to have never loved.  Period.  Never loved...then to give you little friendship heart away then lose it.  They of course argued, No...better to have loved then lost, then never loved at all.  I just stared, hot burning holes into their head.  Wanting to give up.  We both stared...they, with tears in their eyes afraid to lose me.  Tears in my eyes afraid to keep holding on to someone who I will inevitably lose.

Everyone leaves.

A few nights ago, that same friend, ended up nearly dying.  Seeing them hooked up to all the wires & iv's didn't panic me.  It was easy to joke about their bad luck, report the gossip of the day & just make fun of their predicament. Soon the minutes clicked by, the strain wore across their face....I made the investment again. Propped myself up against the arm railing of the hospital bed, ran my fingers through their hair.  Lulling them to sleep like I would my own child. Circle, circle, scratch, scratch..repeat...till mouth dropped open, breath became deep. I was fine...watching my friend fall asleep, until I saw their waxy, pale hand.  I saw that hand in the casket that one day they would rest in.  And all I could do was circle, circle, scratch, scratch...each breath out I uttered the mantra..."everyone leaves."

Something strange happened as I get older.  I have grown more compassionate.  In my youth, I was afraid of compassion.  Afraid of losing.  So in youth, I hung back, Afraid to become attached to people...who would only leave.  But now, It has become easier for me to physically reach out to others.  I squeeze a shoulder of a near stranger, and soon I become their therapist.  They come to me like a little wounded bird sitting on my knee spilling all their torn guts upon my lap...hoping what?  I listen?  Fix it?

 I do my best to sooth.  Sooth them with words I don't believe in for myself.  Advice that works for all, but not for me.

How do I tell them I have become empty?  How do I tell them I am the hollow box, wrapped in pretty lies and good advice?

Why do I even allow myself to reach out in kindness...knowing that kindness can turn to friendship.  Friendship turns to love.  Love can break your heart, weary your soul & grey your hair when that love leaves.

I think the only thing that keeps my buoyed is my mantra I uttered just a few years ago...

Life is too damn short.

My life has always been a battle between black and white.  Two vastly different voices clanging around in my head.

Everyone leaves.  Life is too short.

2 voices simultaneously screaming for attention. Two voices that make me want to crawl into my hollow box and swat everyone away like a rabid raccoon.

So here I stand, slinging my arm around a stranger, patting all the pretty birds on their heads, cooing sweet advice, handing my little heart to friends......

Uttering my mantra:

 Life is too short, everyone leaves.

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