Piss and wind

2 weeks ago, my world changed.
2 weeks ago I could not get out of my van without whimpering & burning with pain.
2 weeks ago I walked out of the surgery unit, without pain.

6 months...everyday...pain. Not one day of relief came to me. Sure I had good days, but always with pain. Around 5 months I told God.

"God....I don't do well with "listening to the still small voice." I have a real bad connection down here. It ain't for the lack of trying. It's just me I suppose. So I need you to throw me a bone. I really need you to phycially guide me to what I need to do next. If I need to do Chiropractic treatments everyday for a year I will. Acupuncture? Massage? Drug treatment? Surgery? Standing on my head in a pool? I'll do it. But I can't hear ya down here so just do what you have to do to get me the treatment that will heal me."

I asked this knowing full well the trouble I would be borrowing. I did not ask this lightly. I was ready to accept to be physically taken where I needed to be.

I am shocked I survived.

A day after talking to God, the pain left. And what replaced it was indescribable. White hot burning agony....yeah...that about sums it up.

I could no longer sit, stand or lay w/o extreme constant pain.

A week later I got stuck in my friends bed...my Friend's bed...not even my own. Ohhhh no...I had to be paralyzed...on my friends guest bed.....and I had to pee.

I usually could lay down to relax, but this day was different. I could not move. Not to roll over. Not to sit up. Not even to move my legs. Not to push myself up. I was completely paralyzed. And if I tried to move the pain would shoot through me so bad I wanted to vomit. I started to sweat & moan for God to kill me. I couldn't even touch my skin. My whole leg was on fire. It felt like a charlie horse...through my enter leg...that lasted for 4 hours. There was no letting up on the pain. All I could do was lye on my side, in my friends bed, alone. My husband went shopping 3 hours into this little personal hell. As he left he asked if he should buy me pads. At first I said no...through clenched teeth. Surely this hell would pass. But then I recognized pride & I changed my mind. I would need pee pads.

He left & I cried. He was gone for over an hour. I would try to calm myself & tell myself just to relax. Slowly I would try to sit up. The pain would rip through me & I would stuff a pair of socks in my mouth to stifle the screams.

Soon I couldn't deny it. I had to pee. Not only pee...but piss...a lot. Even if my husband was with me, he would not be able to move me. I needed the pee pads...I needed them NOW! I start to panic. Then I beg. "please, please, pleaseeeeeee, not on my friends bed." Over & over I begged Jesus. After a half an hour of begging.....my bladder began to loosen & give up it's fight. On the small dresser by my head was a bunch of clean socks I never got to put away. (If you are confused as to why I am in my friends guest bed w/ my laundry....be confused no more! We were staying with our friends while we waited to close on our new house. We had sold ours & now had to wait. We were at our friends house for 3 weeks. They are saints!)

I bundled all the socks together to form a pad (see, all my years of being crunchy paid off!) I Then...painfully...jammed them in my pants....stupid leg was so painful to move. I barked out "Throw me a bone here God! If you are not going to help me hold my piss at least help me move this damn leg so I can protect MY FRIENDS BED!" Soon...I began to laugh. Hard. I can't believe...I'm doing this. Between the hysterical fits of laughter....I pissed....on a pad made of socks......in my friends guest bed.

5 minutes later, my husband walks in...with the pads. I don't know whether to be humiliated or angry or relieved. Did God....really just ignore my pee pleads?! It wasn't a crazy request God!

My saint of a husband helps me out. I then relax...& wait.

Finally.... painfully, but steadily, my husband is able to pull me up off the bed. I feel like I have been hit by a bus. Grumbling, I drag my paralyzed leg to the bathroom. Plopping myself down onto my throne..I wait & murmur. I'm still mad at God. Mad, angry, humiliated. I just pee'd on myself. Yeah...thanks for noth'n God!

Then I pee.

& pee.

& pee.

Let me just tell you.....I pee'd like a frat boy after an all night bender. I pee'd so much I could have read the last book in the Harry Potter series. I think I even took a nap while peeing. How the heck it didn't come out while I was laying on the bed is beyond me.

I sat dazed..on the pot. (I really hope you are visualising this.) Maybe God did help me out. Walking back to the bed I was scared of what I would see. My husband said it was dry.

Ummm what? I just empty a pint of piss on that mattress, are you sure?

It's dry as a bone.

I made him smell it. He didn't want to. SMELL IT! Smell it NOW! (he did) Then I smelled it. I almost called my friend down to smell it.....but I didn't...cuz that would be weird.

I'll be damned. The bed was dry. It smelled fine. Some how I managed to pee a lung out, but not have it get on the mattress.

I guess God did hear my prayers.

I later apologised to Him for ragging at Him. Then I recognized I had a serious problem.

God had psychically placed me where I now needed to go. Soon he placed my down on the door step of a neurosurgeon. She would be the one that was an answer to a prayer.

But first...I had to second guess....& again God physically told me were to go.

And this time....would be more hellish then the last.