Your positive sound bite of the day

Well Christmas is over & its the new year. Time to analyze my life, make resolutions & over come bad habits....or not.

I don't do new year resolutions. I am smart enough to watch everyone fail miserably with their new found enthusiasm to do the impossible!

I actually am on the 5 year plan. I try to think about what I would like to be like at 40 years old. Then I HOPE some pixie dust falls on me & presto, 40 years old...I'm wiser, Bit#$er, stronger & happier.

5 years.....I got 5 years to fail. Or 5 years to succeed. I figured if I fail after 5 years....I really won't care because I'll forget what my goal was. If I succeed, well...then....I'll be taking myself out to dinner!

So stay away from New Years Resolutions...nothing good ever comes from them.

Of little things

Sometimes all it takes are tiny moments to break the rain clouds up & smear a little sunshine into a really bad day.

So is it weird to be really, really happy that my good friend Brandy is buried a few paces away from my mom's grave? As the funeral caravan drove to the grave site that snappy cold day weeks ago, my heart thumped out of my chest as I drove past mom's grave & realised Brandy would be nestled close by! It actually made me SMILE.

My mood was lifted by this little token of sweetness. I felt lighter as I walked to Brandy's grave to huddle with the rest of the mourners. Brandy's sister saw me & rushed over to me. Her words were quick & to the point. She was trying not to cry & needed to rush back to her mother. "I found this in Brandy's apartment. It's totally you! Brandy would want you to have it." She placed something into my gloved hand & rushed off to stand with her parents.

I slowly open my mitted paw and saw this beautiful pill box. I was speechless. I heard something rattle around inside the box & attempted to open it....with my gloved hands....in a blustery mid-west wind storm. Did I mentioned I had mittens on? I was too excited to remove my gloves (& it was too freak'n cold!) So I struggled with the tiny latch. I went to pop it open, but my gloves proved too clumsy & up, up, UP flipped the little pill box. I saw it in slow motion flip into the air over & over again with me batting at it like a frenzied cat. I stumbled forward chasing after this thing, trying to control it. All the while....I'm laughing hysterically to myself. For all I could see was Brandy clutching her side, grabbing her knee laughing with me. I finally wrestle the box from the invisible wintry winds with a "gotcha YA!"

I looked up after my tango with the crazed pill box to find a very tall man giggling at me. I was glad to ease his mourning...kind of.

Clutching the pill box as if it was a Mexican jumping bean, I removed one glove to pry open the latch. Inside the box was a matching necklace. Removing my other glove, I poised to put on the necklace. Looking up, the tall man nodded to me silently asking me if he could help. But by that time, the necklace was on & it was time to begin the burial.

The tall man noticed my new necklace & was grateful (I'm sure) I was done stumbling around like a drunken fool. He gave me the thumbs up and cocked his head to have me join him. So I squeezed myself next to him with my knees banging against each other from the cold. Soon other people crowed around me. Smiling, we knowingly crushed each other to try to keep warm. There we stood. My cheek against an elbow, a woman's hair blowing in my face, shoulders, legs, backs all touching. Grounding us. Holding down our grief. Teeth clattered so loud that we soon found ourselves stifling our GIGGLES.

The winter wind nor the circumstances did not erase my new found smile. Standing cocooned by the crowd, wind whipped & freezing.... I smiled a toothy inappropriate smile (for a funeral!) as I picture my mother holding Brandy hand as they howl together in laughter.

The no good, bad, sad stinky reunion

I was surprised by the sound of the wail that came from my gut. It vibrated out of my bowels & stung my ears. For a moment I didn't realise the horrible sound was coming from my own lips.


My friends wake & funeral was surreal, painful, funny, touching & just plain awful. When I walked into the the parlor with my Dad, I saw my dear friend & her parents. I did screech and clap my hands at the sight of her. We both did the happy dance at the sight of one another. We forgot, for a moment what this reunion was for. As I walked over to her, our giggles turned to sobs. Our faces mimicked the horror in each others faces. By the time I reached her, we were both in full blown wailing mode. I clung to her little body & moan over & over again "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Soon her father joined us & wrapped us both in his lanky arms & he cried into the top of my head. Her mom clung to my waist. We were a pathetic, weepy, wailing burrito of sorrow. Brandy would have rolled her eyes at the theatrics!

The crying settled & we peeled ourselves off of each other. Her sister took my hand & turned me toward Brandy, "go on & say Hi."

I don't remember walking up to her casket, but the next thing I knew I was awkwardly hunched over her casket (damn kneeling pew in my way) clutching a lock of her black hair & patting her shoulder. I'm sure my Dad was thinking I was going to climb in with her! I was shocked at how good she looked. She looked like she was sleeping. Her make up just right (well the coral lipstick did her no justice. She doesn't wear coral lipstick! Arrggg, I squashed the urge to pull out my own lipstick. Really....coral?) My 35 year old rational brain drained out of my ears & all that was left was my 8 year old self, shacking her shoulder & patting her face trying to wake her up.


I finally manged to have some decorum & lower my knees to the pew in front. Still confused, I rub her, thinking that would wake her up. Her mother wailing " her little friend from school, her little friend." made me cry more. After a few minutes of talking to Brandy, I regained my earthy self & remembered that she is gone. She is just a pretty shell that once housed her noble, sweet, smart & fierce spirit. Poor Brandy, her lock of hair soaked with so many tears.



I stayed 4 hours with the family that night. Drained of all joy, I watched over Brandy & her family.

The day of the burial was brutally cold. The drive to the burial grounds was quiet & reflective. Kindness was shown. To the man who accidentally pulled out in front of the caravan then quickly pulled over, mouthing sorry & waving. The construction worker who removed his hat & stopped traffic in an intersection to wave us through. To the friends & strangers who linked arms walking to the site. People united in grief rubbing backs, holding hands & offering a sad smile. Death makes us remember we are all in this life together. No matter who we are or what we are. Life is short, we need to care & tend to one anther. Lift each others burdens & make our presence known to each other.
I don't want to live with anymore regrets. I don't want friends to slip through the cracks, promptings to go unheard, jaded thoughts, lazy intentions. I don't want to endure to the end, but rejoice to the end.





Dearest Brandy, thank you for your friendship. I'm sorry you had to go so soon. You are healthy. You are happy. You are well taken care of. Those who you unwilling left behind are the one's who I feel sorry for. We will do our best to live a life that is noble, kind & happy. Then one day, I hope to see you again. You'll squeeze my neck & this time your hair will be soaked with tears of happiness, not sorrow.