My first baby was a "leap of faith" baby. I waited a year (much to the chagrin of my fellow church mates..."you're not pregnant YET?" Every...damn...Sunday...I was asked! ) before I even thought about getting knocked up. My year was up & then I had to really think about it. One Sunday I looked at all the cute babies in church & said "I think I could do this...I don't want to but it has been a year & I have been told I should start pop'n these kiddos out if I want to be a good girl." I thought God would help me out. I was not in it alone. He would help me. So, full of fear & excitement...I tossed my BC pill in the garbage.
1/2 hour later.... I dug it out of the garbage & swallowed it.
Next day...again with great prayer & faith I popped that pill out of its little hole & symbolically dropped it in the toilet. No going back now! Time to work on baby making.
I stood over the toilet & thought "Oh HELL No! I am so not ready or wanting to do this!" Next thing I knew I was on my knees plunging my hand into the (clean;)) toilet water. Scooping up my little pill...I watched it dissolve in my hand. I considered slurping up the pill water that was pooled in my hand...but then I though how disgusted Big Guy in the sky would be. So, on my knees I let my little pill water go...& I cried.
I had faith. He would take care of me. I was doing the right thing. So for 9 months becoming pregnant became my obsession. I cried when the test come up negative. I looked forward every month to the thought of "this could be it!" I had faith...such great convert faith. 9 months after trying, I become pregnant.
I was never the same after that. For better & unfortunately for much worse. I had my leap of faith baby. He was tiny & sweet. I had my baby & I have never known such darkness. I felt God leave me. I truly was alone. Faith left. It has never returned to the vigor I had before. I did everything I thought God wanted me to do..& faith left. It just snuck out some time between me screaming my baby out. It just left me. It didn't even say goodbye.
Me, fresh from the oven Wee One & my fake smile that would improve with time, but still be fake.
10 comments:
Forget the stupid people who told you stupid things.
I don't think God leaves us as much as we walk away, inch by inch.
I know you. You are awesome! Rock star freaking awesome! Just the way you are.
But I've been in the dark, and it's awful. And when you come out, you don't come out in the same place. You come out in a different place and it's up to you to make it good.
Thanks for keepin'it real.
Well I was gonna post a comment but Joy said it all!
you know, I can echo some sentiments here. But, at the same time in my naggin little head I know that He loves us (and me). And I know that experiences change us- sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad.
I believe that Joy is right- it's up to us to make things good.
Don't worry...this is part 1 of 235 of my struggle w/ faith! Whoopie! What fun!
Great comments...but I struggle w/ the "I'm in control (choosing to be happy, sad, etc) make it what you will." Stuff. Which I TOTALLY agree with...Totally! But then I say "hmmm, so did I make up God? Does God make it good or have I conditioned myself to beleive. Is it real or Memorex? Slippery slope for me.
Joy is good hugh! I don't want to make this misery loves company. Different story (sorta) but same struggle with faith. I have struggled to understand it, done more to improve it and yet something is missing. I think life is just life. Bad things happen to good people. God can't change everything. God IS there even when we feel he is not. I am just choosing to look at "my" life and just go with the flow. I figured if I abandoned ship it would only be worse. I trust that he has the master plan for me. The things that are important for me to do is: believe, strive to do what is right, act and sometimes let go some of my control etc. I have come up in a WAY different place then I would have ever imagined. Some of that great and some of it well...... stinks. I have to chose every day that no matter what happens I can handle it with him, my family and friends.
You are awesome Jen! Joy's right, freakin' awesome!
I know you probably didn't want us all to come to your rescue but maybe rather vent. It is in my nature to try and throw you a life preserver though and tell you to hang on.......even if that is hang on for dear life!
Oh and I am just downright avoiding talking about being done with kids. I can't handle it yet.
I think I'm going to make a wood plaque to put in my entry way with the "I've been in the dark, and it's awful. And when you come out, you don't come out in the same place. You come out in a different place and it's up to you to make it good" quote. Love that, Joy. OK, that's probably too long for a wood plaque. LOL And probably too long to tatoo on even MY forehead!
If my faith were more strong, I would point to the Johnny Cash song "I Came to Believe" (http://www.leoslyrics.com/listlyrics.php?hid=7xD4W9J2890%3D) and use that as an example of why I have faith. At times, I've been able to say that. But for right now, make room in that boat of yours--I'm in it too!
I'm dig'n the plaque idea. Maybe we could stich it on a pillow...a long body pillow!
You kill me!! I thought your post would end mushy! What the heck was I thinking!! Anyways, you are a great mom-you have beautiful, healthy, funny, well-adjusted kids and a marriage to be envied by all!! I think sometimes you just need to be told about the positive things in your life. We all like to bitch and moan-we just can't help ourselves and the responsibility of motherhood is overwhelming-no doubt. I think when you reach our age (we are the same age) that you/we just reach a selfish phase (that will hopefully end)-I am definately in one of those right now. Anyways, I love you! I get all giddy with joy when you have a new post because it is all stuff we feel but are too afraid to write.
Hey jen, i know we have different "religious" beliefs, but i thought id offer my thoughts.
the world is too beautiful to think it happened by accident, ie. evolution.
anything wrong with the planet, any ugliness, is caused by humans. if you ignore the crap that we have done as humans, youre left with completely mind boggling, incomprehensible beauty.
i personally refuse to believe that it happened by accident. so ignoring any kind of belief structure, i know God exists. it isnt a case where im scared about my afterlife or hoping that bad people get what they deserve some day, its my view of life, and how i explain how things work.
i hope that helped, either by confusing the crap out of you or actually making sense.
cant wait to do drugs with you on the fourth! lol
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