Take this religion & shove it

In my religion we have a Bishop.  A guy who is "called" to counsel the people in the church.  He doesn't get paid.  He doen't have professional training.  He's just a regulor Joe.

My Bishop happens to be my friend.

People go to the Bishop for counsel or confession or to be given recommends to go into the Temples.  Bishops stand as "judges in Israel."

I decide to be a big girl & go to my Bishop......& tell him all that was eating me up.  And let me just say....for a girl who hates to disappoint people...this little stint I was about to do made me sick.

I had to do it.  I had watched a few friends slink away form the church never to talk to their Bishop.  Never even give the guy a chance to help.  I didn't want that.  Sure...I wanted the easy way out.  But over time I found that I needed to leave my childish ways behide....& be an adult.  An adult who wasn't going to run from things anymore.  Big girl........ meet panties.

But man.....all I thought was RUNNNNNNNNNNN!

On that day 3 years ago, I walked in....& quit.  Threw my hands up & quit.

My husband knew what I was going to do & had always been supportive.  He had seen how I struggled all those years.  He knew I tried.  He knew I gave it my all.  He also knew he coundn't help me the way I needs help.

So in I walked.  The door closes behind me.  And I sat face to face with my friend....who happened to be a Bishop.

And I let it all out.

And my dear friend did a really good job being a Bishop with a slight hint of friend. 

We talked...well more like I ranted, he listend.

I laid out my demands.
1.  Help me.

That's it.  Help me.

I did have guidelines.
1. I would not take my kids out of the church.  This was my problem...not theirs.  Even though there were times I wanted to be selfish & take everyone with me.....I knew for their sakes I had to temper that desire.  If they had problems with thier religion as they got older....well then that would be their problem...and as parents, we would help them out at that time.  But in no way did I want to stress them out by removing them from the only religion they had ever known.

2.  I would turn down a big calling that was handed to me a few days ago & keep my old calling I had held for 5 years.  I would do my best to do my job.  Luckly it wasn't that hard.....I was like...the church activity cruise director. I threw parties for the church....sweet!
    This new calling they wanted to give me was actually the catalyst for my change.  I realised how deep the lie I lived if the Bishop thought I would be faithful enough for this calling.  Time to stop being fake & time to let the B-Man in on my charade. 

3. I would support my husband in his calling....oh yeah...did I mention my husband was a Bishopric counsler?  He was one of the Bishops right hand men.  Yeah...that was fun!  Having a husband who sat up on the stand every Sunday while his wife dwindled in unbelif......so fun....ya'll should try that!

My Bishop seemed to breath a sigh of relief that I wouldn't just up & leave....& that I wouldn't drag my kids through my emotional, sprirtual mess.  But I could also tell I had hurt him & freaked him out.  Here was another one of his friends trying to walk away.

A few weeks after my talk with my Bishop....my husband was released from his Bishopric calling that he had held for 4.5 years.  I'd like to think his time had come up to move on....but I knew it was because of me.  You can't have a Bishopric memeber who's wife is losing her religion.

So here I was.  A memeber in name but not my heart.  My Temple recommend willingly given up.  My husband out of a calling that killed me for the first few years.

I stood hugging my friend the Bishop as he told me he loved me.  I knew he did.  I also knew he was ready to take on this task I had placed befor him.....of helping me find a testimony of my church....or finding it false.

Walking out the door I felt relief & hope.  To celebrate I hung out with my friends and church ladies for a day.....

At the Temple.

But this time I had no recommend to go in.  I was now...on the outside.

And I had not felt that relieved or free in a long time.