The "I'm so grateful" post

It's Sunday, yeah, raaa. So now is the perfect time to blog about all my many blessings.

First I must tell you, I am a realist. My thoughts are realistic, not pessimistic. All those sunny, happy, positive people say I'm opposite from them. That I'm a "pessimist". They are wrong & they can all blow their sing-songy optimism out their back side. I'm sure they are all happy to know that even I, "the realist" will take a moment out of my Sunday to think of something wayyyyy positive to write. The reality is we are going to hell in a hand basket. Oh wait....positive.....grateful.....not reality. OK lets try again.

My grateful thought for this day is...................I am grateful that the windows were closed today as I yelled at my darling children.

The neighbors behind me are lovely people. Both parents are highly educated. The Dad works as a professor at the local college. They have 2 children. I never hear them...ever. They speak softly & kindly all the time. My house on the other hand is so loud you'd think we were on fire everyday. We both usually have our windows open. I am horrified when I walk my dog or go out to the weedy patch I like to call a garden & I hear EVERYTHING. My family doesn't have to be yelling for the sound to travel outside. Many times at night, I shut some of the windows & it hits me..."how loud did I yell today & were the neighbors home?" (pretty sad that I have to ask myself HOW many times did I yell instead of DID I yell today)

Yep, Hell is a knock'n.

Neo Speaks Politics!

Neo is pissed! He is sick & tired of stupid politicians doing stupid things! His little furry brain will explode.

Neo was torn about who to vote for in November...now he is not. Neo speaks! If he votes for Obama...we are screwed. If he votes for McCain...we are screwed. We're screwed.

This concludes Neo Speaks Politics for today. Neo is going to now bury his head in his wood shavings.

Words would simply get in the way...

"Chicken Pops"

Let's play a game! "Yeah, we love games!" (only a sick person can make up an imaginary audience) The game is called NAME THATTTTT RASHHHHHHH.

Two nights ago I get my almost 3 year old ready for bed & find these












Now before ya get all excited thinking I'm so lucky that she has chicken pox, I must tell you that these have not spread. There are about 3 on her arm & then this splotchy on her back. So are they or are they not?

My daughter thinks she looks great. Looking at herself this way & that in the mirror. " I have chicken pops Mommy?"

Stay tuned...lets hope these babies blister then crust over. Come onnnnnn chicken pops!

Behold my Super-Ubber-Awesome-ness!

For those of you who need inspiration, this post is for you. Sit back & bask in my wicked greatness! Gather all the great things you learn from me & put it in a little "to do" book.
Now I must warn you....if any of you feel defeated or depressed at your lack of motherhood greatness...STOP READING. Really, it will only make your depression worse. Please know that one day, after much prayer & Zoloft you will be able to get back on that motherhood horse & ride it. Ride it hard. But for now, don't make your life any more painful by viewing my post.

And now, back to The GREAT 12th. BIRTHDAY PARTY EVENT OF 2008!
My first born has turned 12! For birthdays we go ALL out. We have a family birthday party at their restaurant of choice (as long as its cheap) and they can order whatever they want (as long as it's cheap) So my son chose Logan's Roadhouse. It's a great restaurant that's serves the greatest hot, soft, buttery buns. Oh so good. We made sure everyone ate at least 4 before ordering. That way they will fill up on free rolls & not order much or better yet, share!
After dinner we head back home to a cookie cake & gifts.

The kids always look forward to their "friend party". This is my chance to shine & show my kids how much I really love them. Because we all know that wicked great party = love!
My boy had 4 of his friends over (I like small parties, because lets face it...kids are loud & I don't do loud) They had fun playing Ghost in the Grave yard (note to pet owners...clean up the dog crap before outside games) and Hide & Seek. Serious side note As parents we like to think that kids are older then they appear. But 12 year old boys are still BOYS, children. We didn't turn anything electronic on all night. It was great to see these boys be children (well I didn't enjoy all the screaming & running & screaming) Left to their own imaginations, they thrive, cooperate & have fun. TURN OFF THE ELECTRONICS! End of serious note

I love pictures so I documented all my knarley party throwing abilities. I think you'll be impressed & awed!


DECORATIONS. I think the sparse, utilitarian look is what all the hip 12 year old boys dig these days. Check it out! That's all the decorating I did...its not too much is it? Not over the top? Some times I get a little crazed w/ the streamers. I actually did his chair on his birthday....10 days before the party.












THE CAKE I wish I could say I did that on purpose to be funny...but I didn't. Stupid, broken brain! It took me a good 4 minutes to figure out why it didn't look right. "DERRRRR"










THE CLEAN UP. Note the lopsided cake. NEAT! Its like the Leaning Tower of CRAP.

MUCH BETTER. Note the added flare. All you do is write out the letters in frosting then put a big fat dot at all the ends. It covers up the craptastic lettering, makes it look cleaned up.

THE FOOD. Why cook when you can stand in line for 15 minutes at a restaurant across the street from 2 major colleges on Homecoming Weekend to pick up THE GONDOLA. Behold its tastiness! The Gondola is a Midwest, college staple. So lovely.

So we had the decorations, the cake, the GONDOLAS, chips & pop. The kids barely ate a thing (hey, leftovers, sweet!) The played & riped open gifts, played w/ gifts, ran the neighborhood in the dark & screamed.

My boy thought it was awesome & that's all that matters.

Que the song "Lowered ex-pec-taaaaaationssssss" fade out.

My Talent #1 Organization

Awwwww Yeaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
Please don't be jealous. You too can achieve this look in 3 easy steps!
#1 Be in a rush
#2 Start chuck'n
#3 Close door...your work will magically reproduce over night! Awesome!


My husband is worried. He says I should hang out more w/ a friend of mine who is an organizational genius. She spanks clutter like a call girl on crack! Now she.... has pure talent! I don't know if I'm ready to learn from her. I've worked hard on my organizational skills. Besides.....I might find 1 of my missing pets under that pile. I don't have time to feed another mouth!

Nothing makes me gag faster then a syrupy declaration about how fabulous ones life is. Can life be good...of course it can. Especially if you add naps & chocolate chip cookies to the mix. But for some of us (dare I say most of us) life is like dredging through the muck of broke faith, heartbreak & indigestion. The goal in life is to turn your face towards the sun & hope it will warm your blood just enough to loosen that thick glob of depression, to propel you off the couch & catapult you into doing something (anything!) good.

Or we can sit back & realise other people suck more then you do. Immature? Well duh. Satisfying...hellya!

So here's to you Misses crochet-your-children's-shoes-out-of-homemade-paper- w/ sprinkles! We are sick of you & your false sense of all is well. You are a liar! We are on to you! We say, no more! No more guilt! No more jealousy! We will embrace our mediocre life, our angry outbursts & our leaky gut syndrome! But we will be big girls & try (when we are heavily drugged) to see the beauty in your absurd crafts, happy handwriting & Joker-esc smiles. We are willing to learn from you. We will take what works for us & leave the rest. Do you dare learn from us?

Show me your talents & I'll show you mine!

Big steaming piles of crap

I have been reading books to my kiddos ever since they were wee little tad poles. The youngest 2 children get to have a book read to them by Mommy & Daddy...IF Mommy & Daddy are in a good, sober mood. For the most part...we are a reading family.

Tonight I was reading Clifford, the Big Red Dog to my 5 year old. As I was reading about Clifford, the freak of nature that grew from a cute tiny, dying puppy to an overgrown red ball of stinking fur, I got to thinking.....who gets the job of picking up Clifford's steaming pile of dog crap day after day? And where does that poo go?

Just wondering.

My mom loved me, I think

For the love that is holy! Why would my mother allow me to look like that?! Really, did she love me? Was she on drugs? Wanting a boy? I just don't get it. My mom was a fashionable lady. She was into matching pant suits & accessories. She had a full face of caked on make-up the moment she got up....so what the hell happened?!

This lovely train wreck of a picture was taken when I was in 4th grade. My teacher was Satan. He loved to ridicule me (gee, I see it wouldn't be that HARD!) I could tell you stories! But right now I'm still convulsing w/ memories of bad hair & big teeth!

Drunk Monkey

I started a blog....Good heavens, I just lost what little respect I have for myself.

I see blogging as a waste of time, annoying & self congratulating. Now, if you blog to help friends & family keep in touch...well then it is a great tool. I'm not blogging to have my friends or family read this. In fact ,I'm hiding from my friends & family!

So why am I blogging? I'm blogging because I'm a fool! I believe anyone can write. It's not that hard. A drunk, burning monkey can write. With that said, writing well takes talent. Writing that makes sense & makes you float away into another life, another experience, takes ubber talent. I, my friends...am a drunk, burning monkey. See me scream as my fur burns!

I am not a writer, far from it. I know I'm not that good at it. I just vomit up what I think. (ummmm delicious!) I actually have a learning disability....is that what they are calling it these days? I think they would call me learning challenged or creative thinker today. This PC sh!* is killing us! Anyway....I like to use my broken brain as an excuse. I can't write..brain, I can't make change...Stupid brain. I sit on my butt most days....dam# brain. Its great! I fit right in w/ this society! Blame other people or other things for your foolishness. I am soooo awesome!

A fabulous friend said writing on her blog helps her vent her frustrations, relieves a little of that built up pressure. I think she is loaded w/ crap....but I am willing to give it a try. The Religion encourages us to keep a journal. Write about happy things, sad things, write about your wayyyy awesome blessings, write for your children's children to know you. Screw that...I want to vent!As for what I am blogging about. It will be about what I please I'll blog about family, motherhood, boobs, The Religion....The Religion, always there, begging me to face it. Maybe writing about It will help me understand The Religion & my place in it. Maybe.But for the most part, I'll write because this little burning monkey wants to. Burn monkey Burn!